The Search The Search
The far right looked for someone who’d befit The ticket—that is, someone not named Mitt But someone who could strongly lead the nation Without the faintest whiff of moderation. Chris Christie thought about it, then said nyet, And Bachmann was the quickest flopper yet. It looked like Perry was the right’s white hope, But now they’re saying Perry’s just a dope. So who will they convince now to get in? The time is short. Their bench is looking thin.
Sep 28, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
DSK’s Best-Case Scenario DSK’s Best-Case Scenario
Well, yes, he had sex with the maid, he said She came in and he took his pleasure. And then with his daughter he had some lunch— A family scene we can treasure.
Sep 21, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Michele: A Reprise Michele: A Reprise
(With yet another apology to the Beatles) Michele, our belle, Things of late have truly failed to gel For Michele. Michele, our belle, They’re no longer buying what you sell. Poor Michele. Your numbers have gone in the toilet. They say you peaked too soon. And talking like a loon Could not have helped a lot, although Rick Perry does, too. Michele, our belle, Pundits now are bidding you farewell— “Bye, Michele.”
Sep 15, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder
In his novel Abbott Awaits, Chris Bachelder employs his comic wackiness to great effect.
Sep 6, 2011 / Books & the Arts / Aaron Thier
So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick? So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick?
You say you’re the real thing from Texas— An Aggie, not someone from Yale. While claiming to be a straight shooter, You plant a boot high on a bale. ’Twas cotton that grew on your farm, Rick. You didn’t grow up on the range. No horses are used to plant cotton, So cowboy boots seem mighty strange. No phony? Then alter your costume. Although they lack cowboy boots’ zing, If you have a sod-buster background, Bib overalls might be the thing.
Aug 31, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Enter Rick Perry Enter Rick Perry
With even more impressive hair than Kerry, At last into the race arrives Rick Perry. Though Perry’s blessed, no doubt, with splendid hair, he Believes some things that strike some folks as scary. Observers down in Texas still are wary. The space between his ears, they say, is airy. But for the pros who count which states he’d carry, What’s there beneath the hair is ancillary.
Aug 24, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Cut, Cap and Balance Cut, Cap and Balance
(A Republican version of “Brush Up Your Shakespeare,” from Kiss Me, Kate) Cut, cap and balance. Just turn off the tap. Cut, cap and balance. Shut that purse up with a snap. Let’s cut wasteful programs in bunches— Like research and poor kids’ school lunches. All life is not really a fed affair, So let’s take a scalpel to Medicare. ’Cause if rich people pay less in taxes We’ll still whip that Evil old Axis. All citizens will be in clover If we just heed the teaching of Grover. Cut, cap and balance. Balance, cut and cap.
Aug 10, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Michele: A Serenade by Iowa Social Conservatives* Michele: A Serenade by Iowa Social Conservatives*
(With apologies to the Beatles) Michele, our belle, Thinks that gays will all be sent to hell. That’s Michele. Michele, our belle, Thinks they’re sick but could be made all well. Yes, Michele. She just needs to turn them toward Jesus. They’re going through a phase That leads to filthy ways. But with her hubby’s help these guys could All be John Wayne. Michele, our belle, Views you have are suiting us just swell. Our Michele. * Yiddish version (sung with schutzpah) titled “We Kvell, Michele.”
Jul 27, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Summary of Public Response to the News That a Tabloid Hacked the Phones of a Missing Girl and of Families of Soldiers Killed in Afghanistan A Summary of Public Response to the News That a Tabloid Hacked the Phones of a Missing Girl and of Families of Soldiers Killed in Afghanistan
All England said, in one voice, “Blimey! Could even Murdoch be that slimy?”
Jul 13, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Republicans Increase Pressure on Chris Christie to Run for President Republicans Increase Pressure on Chris Christie to Run for President
Our candidates don’t measure up. Compared to Chris their thoughts are woolly. Let’s draft him now. It’s obvious That what we need’s a proper bully.
Jun 28, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin