Vulcans Triumphant: The Victory Bash

Vulcans Triumphant: The Victory Bash

Republicans in Congress have set aside $20 million for a gala in Washington to celebrate victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. The party may be postponed for a while, but the program has been drafted–and we’ve got a copy.

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“Tucked away in fine print in the military spending bill for this past year was a lump sum of $20 million to pay for a celebration in the nation’s capital “for commemoration of success” in Iraq and Afghanistan. Not surprisingly, the money was not spent … A paragraph written into spending legislation and approved by the Senate and House allows the $20 million to be rolled over into 2007.” – New York Times

Victory Gala: The Program

Processional: Triumphal March from “Aida” (G. Verdi) (Camels Courtesy of R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company)

Benediction by Rev. Ted Haggard, New New Life Church, San Francisco

FESTIVITIES, PART ONE

Parade of Looted and Subsequently Recovered Artifacts from National Museum, Baghdad
Synchronized Waterboarding Display by Team Guantanamo (Reflecting Pool)
Parade of Shiite, Sunni, and Kurdish Militias
Parade of Tajik, Uzbek, and Pashtun Warlords’ Private Armies
Procession of Ambulances and Collection of Survivors (American Red Cross)

LUNCHEON

Cranberry Shrub
Roast Baby Quail, Buckshot Fries, Chitlins of Austin Attorney
De-Accessioned Wild Game from Baghdad Zoo, Grilled Over Texas Mesquite and Ashes of Classic Arabic Texts from Iraqi National Library
Selection of Sesame, Chocolate, and Tutti-Frutti Halvah (Courtesy of Operation Just Desserts, Bethesda, MD)

REMARKS

“A Visionary War”: Reading of Selections from “The Prophet” (K. Gibran) by Vice President Cheney
Remarks By Not Yet Assassinated Members of Iraqi and Afghan Parliaments
Presentation of Flowers by Grateful Children of Ahmadinejad Grammar School and Revolutionary Shiite Madrassa, Basra

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Dance of the Liberated Muslim Women, Veils I through VI (R. Strauss)
“The Impossible Dream,” from “Man of La Mancha” (J. Darion, M. Leigh), performed by former Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz, countertenor, and Secretary Rice, piano
Extraordinary Rendition of “Detainees” (W. Guthrie) by CIA-OMFUG All Stars

FESTIVITIES, PART TWO

Dedication by former Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld of New Rumsfeld SegwayTM Light Tank
Armored Limousine Motorcade of Halliburton Directors
Parade of National Guard Families and “Flat Daddies”
Parade of Veterans of Operations Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom / Demonstration of Otto Bock™ Prosthetics
Parade of Captured Weapons of Mass Destruction (in Closed Freight Containers for Reasons of National Security)
Triumphal Display of Cage Containing Captured Osama bin Laden Look-Alike
Flyover by Non-Highjacked Passenger Jets
Flyover by President George W. Bush in Navy S-3B Viking Jet, Crash Landing into National Archives, Immolation of Constitution of the United States (“Mission Accomplished”)
Fireworks Display (Courtesy of Hamas USA)

Malediction by Sheik Safar al-Hawali, ExxonMobil Mosque of Perpetual Jihad, Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Recessional: “Pomp Under Unlikely Circumstances March No. 3” (E. Elgar)

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