Bush has appointed Torture Guy to run the American “Justice” Department, his “work wife” to serve as America’s top diplomat, and a partisan hatchet man, Porter Goss, to subject the CIA’s analysts and covert operatives to loyalty oaths. It is hard to imagine how Bush’s appointments could get any worse, but here are five suggestions:

Ahmed Chalabi–Ambassador to Iran. Since he’s going to spy for them anyway, it’d be better to keep him inside the tent in Tehran and away from any useful information in either Iraq or the United States. Besides he could be our secret weapon against the Mullahs–as he’s proven in Jordan, Iraq, and America, he is a parasite capable of seriously damaging any host nation.

James Dobson–Chief Justice. He turned out the evangelicals for Bush, he expects his “values” agenda to be rewarded or else he will turn on the Republicans, and he doesn’t think Alberto Gonzales is sufficiently anti-Roe to deserve the job. Besides he’s a big believer in spanking, and someone needs to protect corporal punishment from 8th amendment activist judges.

Dennis Hastert–Middle East Envoy. He certainly has the free time, and he’s used to holding an important sounding job without having any real power of his own. His appointment would powerfully signal to Ariel Sharon that we want to go through the motions of a “peace process” without changing the status quo.

Sean Hannity–White House Press Secretary. With Helen Thomas out, and a cowed press corps scrambling for sources back in, there’s no reason to soft-shoe the Fourth Estate. After all, the media is the last check on Republican one-party rule. It’s best to crush them with someone who’s had daily practice at fairly balancing a soft, thoughtful, well-meaning liberal into the dustbin of history.

Richard Perle–Director of NSA. Many are the Republicans who are ethically-challenged (Tom De Lay) and many more who were completely wrong about the Iraq War (Donald Rumsfeld), but very few embody both more completely than Perle. Since second terms inevitably founder in the face of high profile scandals, why not bring him in to serve as a potential scapegoat.