The George W. Bush Presidential Library, Inc.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library, Inc.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library, Inc.

This piece first appeared in different form in Billionaires for Bush: How to Rule the World for Fun and Profit (Thunder’s Mouth Press).


Private Placement



A public offering of shares in THE GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, INC, a Liberian Corporation, will take place in November 2004. Shares may be purchased from exclusive brokers in million-dollar lots.

The Library, located on Shelter Island, Tricky Cayman, Bahamas, is a new concept in presidential repositories. In addition to housing the state papers of President George W. Bush, it will be a private resort facility. Investors will be able to purchase property on a secure, discreet tax haven with privileged access to luxury recreational and living facilities. This investment presents not only superb amenities but also an opportunity to discharge your debt to George W. Bush for the handsome returns provided by his administration.


The Bush Archives will be housed in an architecturally distinguished building specially designed by Root, Hogg, & Lay, by appointment to the Saudi Royal Family. The firm’s recent commissions include the L. Paul Bremer III Bunker in Baghdad, the Royal Police Interrogation Center in Riyadh and the Hamid Karzai International Parking Lot in Kabul.

Visitors enter through the imposing three-foot-thick Rumsfeld Memorial Bronze Doors, inlaid with scenes of George W. Bush’s Ten Most Statesmanlike Moments. Once inside, visitors are escorted to the John Ashcroft Lounge for interrogation and full orifice search. After screening they may proceed to the Great Hall, where two large dioramas are displayed: “Mission Accomplished: George W. Bush Bringing Democracy to a Grateful Iraqi People” and “Mission Accomplished: George W. Bush Bringing Tax Relief to Grateful Billionaires.” In the rear will be the Wall of Fame, on which are prominently displayed the names or corporate logos of $5 million donors to the Library.

After climbing the sweeping marble staircase, the visitor enters Energy Hall (a gift of the Exxon-Mobil Foundation). In this vast room will be exhibited memorabilia central to the career of George W. Bush, such as the bottle of Jack Daniel’s from which Mr. Bush had his last drink; the copy of “The Pet Goat” the President was reading to schoolchildren when notified of the attack on the World Trade Center with annotations on how to pronounce certain words; the Nautilus machine on which Mr. Bush had daily workouts during the run-up to the Iraq war.

Next stop is the Higher Father Chapel. Note the stained-glass windows depicting The Passion of the Christ: The Movie (a gift of Mel Gibson). Behind the bullet-proof glass door is the Presidential Archive, housing personal state papers (© 2004 George W. Bush All Rights Reserved), as well as those of George H.W. Bush. These will be stored in a giant time capsule made of especially hardened titanium steel, which will remain sealed until the year 2104.


Sited on remote, beautiful Shelter Island, this facility will feature a luxurious five-star hotel with gourmet restaurants, a world-class spa, state-of-the-art swimming pools, a professional polo field, tournament-caliber golf courses, all-weather tennis courts and miles of pristine sandy beaches.


For kids and grown-ups, BushWorldTM Theme Park will offer educational Family FunTM! Planned rides include:

AfghanistanLand. A rough ride through rugged mountains on rocky roads. Special Forces fight off fanatical Taliban killers! At the end, hopefully, you capture Osama bin Laden in his cave!

Endless Tunnel of Terror. Your boat whisks you through a fearsome Baghdad street. Al Qaeda demons shriek. Assassins blow themselves up in your path. WMDs go off. Iraqi insurgents fire RPGs and set off roadside bombs. Terror Alert spotlights flash red, yellow and orange. Army Humvees roar to the rescue!

BushWorldTM will offer fun for the whole family. Among the concessions will be the famous Hard Right Cafe. The BarbaraJenna Auditorium will showcase top Christian rock groups.


Operatives from This Gun for Hire (a subsidiary of the Halliburton Company) will patrol the grounds. The surrounding waters will be guarded by the Quackenhut Private Navy and trained attack sharks. Employee security will be handled by an interrogation team from CACI International (direct from a successful engagement at Abu Ghraib prison). The island will be accessible only by private yachts, corporate jets and Trident submarines.


Centerpiece is the Dick Cheney Closed Meeting Center, a handsome enclosed structure with executive suites and an auditorium seating 1,000 that will be swept daily for listening devices. It will also offer twenty ultra-secure meeting rooms for corporate strategic planning. Sensitive company documents can be stored or shredded in the Off the Record Room, a time-locked ultra-secure facility. For the ultimate in confidential conferencing: the George Tenet Buried Safe House, a fully air-conditioned 20′ x 20′ steel safe buried ten feet beneath the surface.

As with the statements of the President it honors, THE GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY, INC. cannot guarantee the truth of any statement in this offering circular.

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