First Day of the RNC

First Day of the RNC


When the curtain goes up on the Republicans’ Big Show this Monday, there will be gospel and country music performers, elaborate videos and celebrities doing what they can to help market (and soften) Bush’s agenda.

There will be also a special program called “Preachers and Patriots,” replete with celebrity benedictions, choreographed by the convention’s director of entertainment–Frank Bredeen, former head of the Gospel Music Association. The goal, Bredeen says, is to to use entertainment to market the party’s political ideas: “Just like Cadillac uses Led Zeppelin to market its ideas,” he added.

But strip away the compassion-themed entertainment and fake moderation of this “Reinvention” Convention and you’d end up with a schedule something like the one that arrived in my in-box the other day. Thanks to the merry and sharp satirists who sent it along.


6:00 PM – Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM – Pledge of Allegiance

6:46 PM – Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on “Are Elections Really Necessary?”

7:30 PM – Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:40 PM – EPA Address #1: “Mercury: It’s What’s for Dinner”

8:00 PM – Vote on which country to invade next

8:15 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos Are After Your Children”

8:30 PM – Round-table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)

8:50 PM – Seminar #2: “Corporations: The Government of the Future”

9:00 PM – Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”

9:30 PM – Break for secret meetings

10:40 PM – John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM – GOP’s Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell and Condi Rice

10:46 PM – Ann Coulter’s Tribute to “Joe McCarthy, American Patriot”

10:50 PM – Seminar #3: “Education: A Drain on Our Nation’s Economy”

11:10 PM – Hilary Clinton Piñata Party

11:20 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult”

11:35 PM – Blame Clinton

11:40 PM – Newt Gingrich speaks on “The Sanctity of Marriage”

11:41 PM – Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM – Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Midnight – Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

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