The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain
I We’ve spent a month of this campaign In trying daily to explain The steady rise of Herman Cain. Through willingness to risk a strain In every muscle of the brain, We’ve laid out all we think germane To help the public ascertain Why Cain consistently can gain (Despite, some charge, a moral stain) Support that doesn’t seem to wane, No matter how we all complain That thinking voters might ordain For Cain a four-year White House reign Is truly—to be blunt—insane. II So far, our work has been in vain.
Nov 10, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mu-Mu ♥ Condi Mu-Mu ♥ Condi
Muammar el-Qaddafi had an “eerie fascination” with Condoleezza Rice and kept a scrapbook on her.—News reports Though always with that nurse (the sexy blonde) he Apparently had quite a crush on Condi. So if you called her cold, then you forgot At least one guy sincerely found her hot.
Oct 26, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
An Inaugural Address for Herman Cain An Inaugural Address for Herman Cain
In April, we’ll all be in clover— All spending bucks we’ve got left over, With 9-9-9. To working folks we’ll bring enjoyment, ’Cause we’ll have nearly full employment, With 9-9-9. Our air will be pristine and clear, And terrorists will disappear, With 9-9-9. And scientists will find the answer That gives the world a cure for cancer, With 9-9-9. We’ll all achieve what we endeavor, And all of us will live forever, With 9-9-9. A country that now seems depressed and limp’ll Be great again if we just keep things simple.
Oct 19, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Far Right Contemplates the Republican Front-Runner The Far Right Contemplates the Republican Front-Runner
It seems that now we’re stuck with Mitt. Reciting right-wing holy writ, He still sounds moderate, a bit. Although it’s nothing he’ll admit, A healthcare plan’s his biggest hit. (The thought of that gives us a fit.) And born-agains, from where they sit, Still state their firm belief, to wit: As Christians, Mormons aren’t legit. We’ve said for months, “This man’s not it.” We wish that Palin hadn’t split. We wish that Perry weren’t a nit (His pilot light is not quite lit). Because, it seems, we’re stuck with Mitt.
Oct 12, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
CEO CEO
Hewlett-Packard CEO, fired after disastrous eleven-month reign, gets $13 million in termination benefits. —news reports One job’s a job I never would forgo. That job, of course, is being CEO. According to the customs now prevailing, It pays a lot—and pays you more for failing. It must be nice to have a job wherein You cannot lose, for if you lose you win.
Oct 5, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Search The Search
The far right looked for someone who’d befit The ticket—that is, someone not named Mitt But someone who could strongly lead the nation Without the faintest whiff of moderation. Chris Christie thought about it, then said nyet, And Bachmann was the quickest flopper yet. It looked like Perry was the right’s white hope, But now they’re saying Perry’s just a dope. So who will they convince now to get in? The time is short. Their bench is looking thin.
Sep 28, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
DSK’s Best-Case Scenario DSK’s Best-Case Scenario
Well, yes, he had sex with the maid, he said She came in and he took his pleasure. And then with his daughter he had some lunch— A family scene we can treasure.
Sep 21, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Michele: A Reprise Michele: A Reprise
(With yet another apology to the Beatles) Michele, our belle, Things of late have truly failed to gel For Michele. Michele, our belle, They’re no longer buying what you sell. Poor Michele. Your numbers have gone in the toilet. They say you peaked too soon. And talking like a loon Could not have helped a lot, although Rick Perry does, too. Michele, our belle, Pundits now are bidding you farewell— “Bye, Michele.”
Sep 15, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder Break Their Hearts: On Chris Bachelder
In his novel Abbott Awaits, Chris Bachelder employs his comic wackiness to great effect.
Sep 6, 2011 / Books & the Arts / Aaron Thier
So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick? So What’s With the Cowboy Boots, Rick?
You say you’re the real thing from Texas— An Aggie, not someone from Yale. While claiming to be a straight shooter, You plant a boot high on a bale. ’Twas cotton that grew on your farm, Rick. You didn’t grow up on the range. No horses are used to plant cotton, So cowboy boots seem mighty strange. No phony? Then alter your costume. Although they lack cowboy boots’ zing, If you have a sod-buster background, Bib overalls might be the thing.
Aug 31, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin