Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow
So Perry is fond of debates now, He’s calling himself in these rumbles An Iowa caucuses Tebow— Except for how often he fumbles.
Dec 21, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race
Though Romney was leading right out of the gate, He’s also a guy some conservatives hate. But all other entries they managed to find Were scratched from the start or have fallen behind. So now they’ve decided that Newt is a whiz— The horse that they’re backing, corrupt as he is. Thus Gingrich, now galloping (though he’s quite husky), May make Romney look like the late Edmund Muskie.
Dec 14, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics
While Jimmy Fallon tears his hair, Bill Maher laments, “It’s just not fair.” Dave Letterman begins to pout. They’ve heard that Herman Cain is out. In common with his late-night peers, Jon Stewart comes quite close to tears, He’d much prefer a case of gout To hearing Herman Cain is out. “The man is threatening our jobs,” Says Leno, as he softly sobs. Colbert is staggering about. He’s heard that Herman Cain is out. They pray together, on their knees: “Could we have Donald Trump back—please?”
Dec 7, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac
Lambasting pols who got too close to Freddie, Newt failed to say that he himself already Got Freddie payments that were large and steady. As is his custom, Newt was undeterred. Hypocrisy’s not really what occurred. For Newt we’d need to find a stronger word.
Nov 22, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt’s Surge Newt’s Surge
The pundits all can confidently speak Of Gingrich as the flavor of the week. The people who want anyone but Mitt Now say, in desperation, Newt is it. Yes, Newt’s astute—a crafty wheeler-dealer. His baggage, though, would fill an eighteen-wheeler— Affairs and ethics problems and, to boot, His mouth is something often off he’ll shoot. And if he’s scratched because he lacks decorum? What happens then? Get ready, Rick Santorum.
Nov 17, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain
I We’ve spent a month of this campaign In trying daily to explain The steady rise of Herman Cain. Through willingness to risk a strain In every muscle of the brain, We’ve laid out all we think germane To help the public ascertain Why Cain consistently can gain (Despite, some charge, a moral stain) Support that doesn’t seem to wane, No matter how we all complain That thinking voters might ordain For Cain a four-year White House reign Is truly—to be blunt—insane. II So far, our work has been in vain.
Nov 10, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mu-Mu ♥ Condi Mu-Mu ♥ Condi
Muammar el-Qaddafi had an “eerie fascination” with Condoleezza Rice and kept a scrapbook on her.—News reports Though always with that nurse (the sexy blonde) he Apparently had quite a crush on Condi. So if you called her cold, then you forgot At least one guy sincerely found her hot.
Oct 26, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
An Inaugural Address for Herman Cain An Inaugural Address for Herman Cain
In April, we’ll all be in clover— All spending bucks we’ve got left over, With 9-9-9. To working folks we’ll bring enjoyment, ’Cause we’ll have nearly full employment, With 9-9-9. Our air will be pristine and clear, And terrorists will disappear, With 9-9-9. And scientists will find the answer That gives the world a cure for cancer, With 9-9-9. We’ll all achieve what we endeavor, And all of us will live forever, With 9-9-9. A country that now seems depressed and limp’ll Be great again if we just keep things simple.
Oct 19, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Far Right Contemplates the Republican Front-Runner The Far Right Contemplates the Republican Front-Runner
It seems that now we’re stuck with Mitt. Reciting right-wing holy writ, He still sounds moderate, a bit. Although it’s nothing he’ll admit, A healthcare plan’s his biggest hit. (The thought of that gives us a fit.) And born-agains, from where they sit, Still state their firm belief, to wit: As Christians, Mormons aren’t legit. We’ve said for months, “This man’s not it.” We wish that Palin hadn’t split. We wish that Perry weren’t a nit (His pilot light is not quite lit). Because, it seems, we’re stuck with Mitt.
Oct 12, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
CEO CEO
Hewlett-Packard CEO, fired after disastrous eleven-month reign, gets $13 million in termination benefits. —news reports One job’s a job I never would forgo. That job, of course, is being CEO. According to the customs now prevailing, It pays a lot—and pays you more for failing. It must be nice to have a job wherein You cannot lose, for if you lose you win.
Oct 5, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin