Kerik’s Nanny

Kerik’s Nanny

An exclusive (if imaginary) interview!


“Skeptics in city government circles were questioning the very existence of the nanny…” —New York Times

Somewhere in Mexico:

Q. So, Maria, how does it feel to have people doubt that you exist?

A. I regret it very much. I am alive and tricking.

Q. You mean alive and kicking.

A. No, tricking. When Mr. Bernie suddenly had me flown back home, I had no money, I had to turn tricks.

Q. Didn’t he pay you well?

A. Oh, he did, but I spend it all in Atlantic City on my days off.

Q. What were your duties?

A. I take care of his two girls–they are good kids, shouldn’t have to hear all this shit, you know, about their father. And I do some housekeeping. That’s when the trouble start.

Q. How do you mean?

A. Well, he has this apartment–we call it the ground zero place–and he wants me to clean that up too, and get fresh flowers, wine, weed, would you believe that, so he can fool around with not one but two mistresses–I even have to buy the condoms–and I’m friendly with his wife, but I have to pretend like I don’t know what’s going on.

Q. Did you actually meet those mistresses?

A. Just one, Miss Judith, and she tell me, “Maria, if you keep a journal of everything that goes on behind the scenes, my company will publish it, and you will make a lot of money.”

Q. And did you do that?

A. No, no, I have very much loyalty to Mr. Bernie. Gifts and everything. For my birthday he give me a taser gun. For Christmas his friend Mr. Rudy give me a green card.

Q. Did you know about Kerik’s involvement with organized crime people?

A. Are you kidding? In our living room, it was just like watching The Sopranos without a TV set.

Q. Was there a highlight for you–something that stands out in your memory–during the time you worked in the Kerik household?

A. Yes, it was during the campaign for President. Mr. Bernie was going to be interviewed for the New York Daily News and he was really nervous. I mean there was sweat dripping down his face from his bald head and staying in his mustache. He says, “Maria, I gotta come up with a good soundbite.” I say, “What’s a soundbite?” He says, “That’s the thing I wanna say that will be quoted all over the media.” I say, “Why don’t you make a warning. Like if that guy Kerry wins, then there will be another attack by the terrorists.”

Q. So you wanted the Democrats to lose?

A. They don’t need me to lose. They are, you know, chickenshit. Mr. Bernie tells that soundbite to the Daily News, and then the Democrats still praise him for Homeland Security.

Q. Do you miss living in America?

A. Yes. I really wanted to see Spanglish.

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