One Bush Scenario One Bush Scenario
With Democrats he must entice, he Has proven good at making nicey. So now, if everyone relaxes, He'll sharply cut all rich folks' taxes And help the oil biz and tobacco And nominate some right-wing wacko As Justice--qualified, he'll promise, Like Daddy did with Clarence Thomas. The Democrats will fold in batches, And light cigars with White House matches.
Feb 8, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Lessons Drawn From the Marc Rich Pardon Lessons Drawn From the Marc Rich Pardon
As proven by this pardon, Two facts of life prevail: The rich have got the money And everything's for sale.
Feb 1, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Adieu (Sort of) to Bill Clinton Adieu (Sort of) to Bill Clinton
We'd say goodbye to Clinton, Bill, Who always was a rascal, still Accomplished much, before he tripped (He couldn't keep his trousers zipped) And after, too. His gifts were g...
Jan 26, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Only King We Have Is Jesus The Only King We Have Is Jesus
(A newly unearthed gospel song credited to John Ashcroft) As I told the Bob Jones students, Seated white and black apart, This nation is unique, not like the rest. As I faced those godly youngsters, I told them from the heart Just why this land will always be the best: The only king we have is Jesus. And I feel blessed to bring that news. The only king we have is Jesus. I can't explain why we've got Jews. So because our king is Jesus, I'm often heard to say, Our kids should pray to Him each day in class. If some kids just stay silent, That's perfectly OK. But they'll all be given Jesus tests to pass. The only king we have is Jesus. That's the truth we all perceive. The only king we have is Jesus So Hindus may just have to leave. Now Jesus hates abortion, 'Cause Jesus loves all life. They call it choice; it's murder all the same. The killers must be punished-- The doctor, man and wife. We'll execute them all in Jesus' name. The only king we have is Jesus. It's Jesus who can keep us pure. The only king we have is Jesus. And He's Republican for sure. The homosexual lifestyle Could make our Jesus weep. He loathed their jokes about which cheek to turn. Yes, Jesus came to teach us With whom we're supposed to sleep. Ignore that and you'll go to Hell to burn. (Final chorus sung in tongues:) Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok Frak fag narst fag madoondah greeb. Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok Dar popish, flarge dyur darky, hebe.
Jan 18, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On Passing Up Marc Racicot for Attorney General in Favor of John Ashcroft On Passing Up Marc Racicot for Attorney General in Favor of John Ashcroft
This Racicot seemed like Bush's sort of guy: Pro-life, he thought that killers ought to fry. Though right-wing to the core in many ways, He was, the Christian right said, soft...
Jan 11, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
What Must Have Happened to Create the Supreme Court Decision in Bush v. Gore What Must Have Happened to Create the Supreme Court Decision in Bush v. Gore
Though "activist" is what they've railed against, These five Supremes said, "Just this once, let's try it. We know which candidate we want to win. We'll simply find some law to justify it."
Dec 22, 2000 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On Late-Term Presidential Travels On Late-Term Presidential Travels
Dec 14, 2000 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Shut It Down Shut It Down
(Another Republican sea chantey) They all went down to stop Miami-Dade From making counts the judges had OK'd. Unlikely toughs, with ties and crisp white shirts, They w...
Dec 7, 2000 / Column / Calvin Trillin
I’m Counting My Heart Out for You I’m Counting My Heart Out for You
(Lyrics found on a table inside a state building in Miami-Dade County) I'm counting my heart out for you. The votes I am finding are few. We hear the mob right in the h...
Nov 30, 2000 / Column / Calvin Trillin