Newt Lays Into Mitt Newt Lays Into Mitt
It’s “pious baloney.” Yes, pious baloney. What Mitt speaks, Newt says, is remarkably phony: His outsider citizen pose is all hooey; He’s hungered for office like Thomas E. Dewey. And what he was doing those years spent at Bain Was not create jobs but cause working stiffs pain. While Newt covers Mitt’s smooth exterior with blotches, Obama’s campaign staff just carefully watches.
Jan 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote
They’ll picture what we can expect, With certainty in their depictions. But first they’ll erase from their minds Their previous certain predictions.
Jan 4, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow Rick Perry Compares Himself to Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow
So Perry is fond of debates now, He’s calling himself in these rumbles An Iowa caucuses Tebow— Except for how often he fumbles.
Dec 21, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race The Perils of the Front-Runner in a Horse Race
Though Romney was leading right out of the gate, He’s also a guy some conservatives hate. But all other entries they managed to find Were scratched from the start or have fallen behind. So now they’ve decided that Newt is a whiz— The horse that they’re backing, corrupt as he is. Thus Gingrich, now galloping (though he’s quite husky), May make Romney look like the late Edmund Muskie.
Dec 14, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics Lamentations of the Late-Night Comics
While Jimmy Fallon tears his hair, Bill Maher laments, “It’s just not fair.” Dave Letterman begins to pout. They’ve heard that Herman Cain is out. In common with his late-night peers, Jon Stewart comes quite close to tears, He’d much prefer a case of gout To hearing Herman Cain is out. “The man is threatening our jobs,” Says Leno, as he softly sobs. Colbert is staggering about. He’s heard that Herman Cain is out. They pray together, on their knees: “Could we have Donald Trump back—please?”
Dec 7, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Oh Say, Can You Shop! Oh Say, Can You Shop!
The season’s here. If you’re beset By crippling, horrifying debt, Amassing loads of costly booty Is still your patriotic duty.
Nov 30, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac Newt Gingrich and Freddie Mac
Lambasting pols who got too close to Freddie, Newt failed to say that he himself already Got Freddie payments that were large and steady. As is his custom, Newt was undeterred. Hypocrisy’s not really what occurred. For Newt we’d need to find a stronger word.
Nov 22, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt’s Surge Newt’s Surge
The pundits all can confidently speak Of Gingrich as the flavor of the week. The people who want anyone but Mitt Now say, in desperation, Newt is it. Yes, Newt’s astute—a crafty wheeler-dealer. His baggage, though, would fill an eighteen-wheeler— Affairs and ethics problems and, to boot, His mouth is something often off he’ll shoot. And if he’s scratched because he lacks decorum? What happens then? Get ready, Rick Santorum.
Nov 17, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain The Pundits Contemplate Herman Cain
I We’ve spent a month of this campaign In trying daily to explain The steady rise of Herman Cain. Through willingness to risk a strain In every muscle of the brain, We’ve laid out all we think germane To help the public ascertain Why Cain consistently can gain (Despite, some charge, a moral stain) Support that doesn’t seem to wane, No matter how we all complain That thinking voters might ordain For Cain a four-year White House reign Is truly—to be blunt—insane. II So far, our work has been in vain.
Nov 10, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Twice Again, the Flat Tax Twice Again, the Flat Tax
Though Cain has said his flat tax plan would shatter The current code, is Perry’s flat tax flatter? Despite the chatter, does it really matter? For both would work to make the fat cats fatter.
Nov 2, 2011 / Column / Calvin Trillin