The news has been full of speculation about why Mitt Romney won’t release his tax returns before 2010. People say maybe it’s because he paid zero taxes one year, or maybe he made a truly stupendous amount of money one year, or maybe they show he stayed at Bain Capital longer than he’s said.

I have a different theory: Romney won’t release his tax returns because they show he’s actually a Muslim born in Kenya.

Also, they show that his middle name isn’t "Mitt," it’s “Hussein”—he’s actually “Willard Hussein Romney.”

Another possibility: Romney’s tax returns show that he has apologized for America. A lot.

Or maybe they show that, after leaving Harvard, he worked as a community organizer in Chicago—which is sort of like being the mayor of a small town, expect that the mayor of a small town has actual responsibilities.

Or maybe they show that his book No Apology: The Case for American Greatness was ghostwritten by Bill Ayres—which means he’s been palling around with terrorists.

One final possibility: Romney’s unreleased tax returns show that his healthcare plan for Massachusetts was actually the model for “Obamacare.”