On the Selection (and De-Selection) of a Baathist General From the Republican Guard to Pacify the Populace, Using American Weapons, Or, Pick of the Week On the Selection (and De-Selection) of a Baathist General From the Republican Guard to Pacify the Populace, Using American Weapons, Or, Pick of the Week

By smashing evil-doers flat, we've said,
This war has changed Iraq forevermore.
So why is it that Kurds and Shiites start
Imagining they've seen this all before?

May 6, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

Not Wounded Enough Not Wounded Enough

Republicans say Kerry might have got

Some wounds, but not the kind that hurt a lot.

Their own man cannot ever be accused

Apr 29, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

We Were Ready We Were Ready

CHORUS

We were ready--

Oh, so ready.

Sure, it happened, but those were the breaks.

And remember

That we never, ever make mistakes.

Apr 22, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

Condoleezza (“Mushroom Cloud”) Rice Explains Her Silver Bullet Theory to the 9/11 Commission Condoleezza (“Mushroom Cloud”) Rice Explains Her Silver Bullet Theory to the 9/11 Commission

Because no silver bullet could have stopped
This horrifying deed from being done,
We cannot blame those dozing on the job
For never even loading up the gun.

Apr 15, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

I Can’t Appear Without My Nanny Dick I Can’t Appear Without My Nanny Dick

(George W. Bush explains the interview arrangements he's made with the 9/11 Commission)

Apr 8, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

The 9/11 Commission Hears From Richard Clarke The 9/11 Commission Hears From Richard Clarke

When testimony came from Richard Clarke, he
Inspired White House spokesmen to get snarky,
Because, with words combining bite and bark, he

Apr 1, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

Antonin Scalia Explains Antonin Scalia Explains

WHY DUCK-HUNTING WITH DICK CHENEY AS CHENEY'S CASE COMES BEFORE THE COURT IS PERFECTLY OK

This criticism Nino calls absurd.
It's true that Quackscam is an ugly word.

Mar 25, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

‘I’m an Old Cowhand,’ as Sung by George W. Bush ‘I’m an Old Cowhand,’ as Sung by George W. Bush

(With apologies to Johnny Mercer)

Mar 18, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

On Whether the Martha Stewart Guilty Verdict Carries Implications for Those Involved in Prewar Intelligence Gathering On Whether the Martha Stewart Guilty Verdict Carries Implications for Those Involved in Prewar Intelligence Gathering

When federal authorities come by,
It's criminal if you concoct a lie.
The Feds don't think that lies are okey-dokey.
Will Chalabi, then, soon be in the pokey?

Mar 11, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin

George W. Bush Speaks Out on Gay Marriage George W. Bush Speaks Out on Gay Marriage

He backs an amendment defining the vow
Of marriage as being a guy and his frau,
Lest civilization sink into a slough--
Which he says could happen. It isn't clear how.

Mar 4, 2004 / Column / Calvin Trillin