The Republican Plan to Stimulate the Economy The Republican Plan to Stimulate the Economy
It's very hard to estimate Just what it takes to stimulate A corporation, but we know These people need a lot of dough, And so, if no one else objects, We'll cut them some humongous checks. But stimulating them is tough. A billion may not be enough To spur a corporation while It keeps its CEO in style. It's possible we should explore Some way that we can give them more. We may just give them all we've got: It takes a lot to get them hot.
Nov 15, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Few Words on the Northern Alliance A Few Words on the Northern Alliance
Nov 8, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Running Out of Targets (A Pilot’s Lament) Running Out of Targets (A Pilot’s Lament)
We're running out of targets, guys, There's nothing to destroy. They simply don't have buildings here, Like Baghdad or Hanoi. Today I sent a missile off And said, "That's all she wrote." It turned out that I'd vaporized Two camels and a goat. So let's go back to Serbia. These gunsights have to glom On something that's not rocks or sand. There's nothing here to bomb.
Nov 1, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Day-O, an Afghan Calypso Day-O, an Afghan Calypso
(With apologies to Harry Belafonte, among others) Bombed all night by dat Yankee bunch Daylight come and de bombers go home Now dey'll drop some cashew crunch Daylight ...
Oct 25, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On V.S. Naipaul’s Nobel Prize On V.S. Naipaul’s Nobel Prize
So V.S. Naipaul finally gets the prize. It's said he's willing, through unblinking eyes, To make his observations, then recall The bleakest Third World countries, warts and al...
Oct 18, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Two-Pronged Approach to the Afghan People A Two-Pronged Approach to the Afghan People
By night our missiles rain on them,
By day we drop them bread.
They should be grateful for the food--
Unless, of course, they're dead.
Oct 11, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Indispensable Indispensable
(An old Nat "King" Cole song, as sung by Rudy "King" Giuliani) Indispensable, that's what I am. I'm an icon now, like Uncle Sam. I'm the rock this town is built up...
Oct 4, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
A Concise History of Danny Almonte’s Little League Career A Concise History of Danny Almonte’s Little League Career
It's like finding another Babe Ruth, But he seems a bit long in the tooth.
Sep 6, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Sultan’s Brother Does a Service to Humanity The Sultan’s Brother Does a Service to Humanity
The brother of the Sultan of Brunei Set out to see how much a guy could buy, And fifteen billion's what he finally spent Before the sultan voiced some discontent. The guilt o...
Aug 23, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin
On Kim Jong Il’s Announcement On Kim Jong Il’s Announcement
We said that Kim Jong Il was just the guy For whom we needed Star Wars in the sky. Now Kim Jong Il declares we needn't worry That he might up and bomb us in a hurry: He isn't testing for the missile race; He's got a moratorium in place. Does this, then, mean that we won't have to wield A multibillion-dollar missile shield? Well, no, for other wicked rogues remain. If they go, we'll find others as profane. If all rogues disappear, we won't be glum, We'll hope that if we build it, they will come.
Aug 9, 2001 / Column / Calvin Trillin