It’s only three months into 2008, but so many bad things have happened, I’d like a do-over. But like the Democratic primaries in Florida and Michigan, I’m afraid the answer is no.
Given the state of the economy, I expect there’s more to come, so here’s a roundup of the worst news of the year so far, in the hope that we can move ahead unfettered into the next disillusioning developments of 2008.
I’ve listed the items in the order that they affect me on a daily basis because that’s what’s important, right? As Laura Linney said to Paul Giametti in the HBO John Adams series, “I’m living politics, every time I open the cupboard [something, something, something, which I couldn’t focus on because she looked so good in a snood], and there’s no coffee–that’s politics, John!”
1.Totally Toxic Toro
Sure I’ve been reading about mercury levels for years, but I convinced myself that the FDA would keep it out of our food if it was really dangerous and that at least the tuna I was eating had lower mercury levels, because I was getting it at well-known establishments. OK, who am I kidding? I eat tuna sushi from delis. But now that we know even Nobu’s tuna is full of the toxins, I’m screwed. Of course, I was ordering tuna as part of my high-protein diet in order to remain thin and spend less money on healthcare, but that brings me to No. 2 on the bad-news list.
2. Live Long and Prosper? Not so much…
The news that being healthier actually costs you more was shocking to me, because the notion I’d embraced had been the basis of my life. I’ve been trying to follow the restricted-calorie diet, because I’d live longer, and it would be cost-effective too. I haven’t eaten pasta in years following this regimen. I feel betrayed and like I’ve wasted a lot of time eating the insalata mista in Italian restaurants when I should have ordered the rigatoni al tre funghi. What a waste.
3. Don’t Stretch, Don’t Tell
Some news just shouldn’t be released to the public; we should be informed on a need-to-know basis. How can researchers take this illusion away from us? Ever since I developed my own debilitating and expensive case of “boomeritis” –the term many doctors are using for sports injuries incurred by people who approach exercise with the same enthusiasm they had in high school–I have faithfully stretched and warmed up before playing tennis. Yet another waste of time. My new warm-up will be lifting my doughnut, or better yet, owing to No. 2, I’m likely to stop playing, as I was doing that to live longer anyway.