I’d like to formally submit myself to replace Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket. I feel confident that John McCain will see that the very attributes he desired in his VP choice can be met, and even exceeded in some areas, by me. For your consideration, my big, fat résumé:
1. Focus on the Family
I am the mother of five children, just like Governor Palin. I have known the demands of managing a full-time career and motherhood at the same time. I have juggled a breast pump and a BlackBerry, and I know when to put the BlackBerry down. (To be perfectly honest, I did once send a text to the baby and tried to nurse my bass player. You learn from your mistakes.)
2. Reproductive Issues
I also believe that a teenager’s pregnancy is a “private family matter.” In fact, I believe that every woman’s pregnancy is a “private, family matter.” (I bet the GOP never thought of making that leap!)
3. Church and State
Like the Governor, I now also believe that my will is perfectly aligned with God’s will. When Governor Palin said that it was God’s will for the Alaska pipeline to be built and asked for people to pray for that to happen, I was really inspired by her confidence in the absolute, seamless integration of her will and God’s will. I have begun practicing this kind of supreme confidence on a smaller scale, but I am sure that I can quickly move to national issues. Starting with the sartorial, I know that it is God’s will that I have the entire Chanel collection for the fall season, including those adorable high-heeled booties that were all over the runway shows.
(A couple things I’m still having trouble with regarding the will of God: I knew it was God’s will that I win the Grammy in 2007 for my last record, but Bob Dylan won. This is clearly the work of Satan, but shouldn’t my will/God’s will have been strong enough to override that? And this Alaska pipeline–if it is God’s will to have the pipeline built, then why isn’t it built already? On a related topic, I don’t own a single piece of Chanel.)
Along with Governor Palin, I don’t believe that humans cause climate change.
(Okay, that is a bold-faced lie, but I’ve been paying really close attention to the campaign stump speeches, and I feel certain I am allowed a generous allotment of bold-faced lies.)