OK, boys and girls, it’s time for a pop quiz. Professional provocateur David Horowitz recently proclaimed that “there are 50,000 professors…who are anti-American, they’re radicals, they identify with the terrorists, they think of them as freedom fighters. It’s a huge danger for the country.” If true, that would mean that of the approximately 400,000 tenured or tenure-track professors in the United States, about one in every eight is a threat to national security. And here we were worrying about terrorists sneaking in through Dubai Ports World! They’re already among us, speaking our language, pretending to be neighbors, passing themselves off as citizens! Right here in River City!
Horowitz recommends that students use hidden recording devices to tape their teachers. He praises the high school student who secretly recorded Jay Bennish, his social studies teacher, comparing President Bush’s foreign policies to those of Hitler.
But as a true patriot, I think we should expand the search for infidels. If it’s that bad in the professoriate, why stop at schools? The percentage could be even higher in other professions. What, pray tell, are we doing about Volvo salesmen or Birkenstock wearers or chardonnay vintners? Who’s recording them? And what of those who own French poodles?
So in the interest of protecting ourselves from those who would mock the tenets of our freedom, I have devised a new SAT (Save America from Treachery) test, whose scores should be considered before granting anyone the blessing of our soon-to-be-issued National Identity-Chip Embed, or NICHE for short. All you have to do is figure out who’s speaking truth to power versus who’s the terrorist. First prize: three-day getaway weekend in Baghdad! Fail, and go to jail.
a. ”If Harvard cannot correct itself in this crisis, it will signal that academe cannot be trusted to reform itself from within. There is a rising tide of off-campus discontent with the monolithic orthodoxies of humanities departments…. These efforts to hold professors accountable are welcome and bracing.”
b. ”When students become snitches, we are heading toward dictatorship by Mao’s Red Guards or Hitler Youth.”
c. ”The bloodshed that they have caused to the Iraqi people only makes them more intent and strong to evict the foreigners from their land and liberate their country.”
d. ”It’s rarely been Iraqis who talked about civil war. It’s usually been outside foreigners, outside foreign forces, that have talked about civil war.”
e. ”God told me to strike…_____ and I struck them…and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East.”
f. ”I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”
g. ”It would be more in keeping with the intention of the noblest man in this world if our two Christian churches, instead of annoying Negroes with missions which they neither desire nor understand, would kindly, but in all seriousness, teach our European humanity that where parents are not healthy it is a deed pleasing to God to take pity on a poor little healthy orphan child and give him father and mother.”