I was driving my son to soccer practice not long ago, listening to a National Public Radio wrap-up of President Bush’s first hundred days in office. My son, who was just a baby when Bill Clinton was elected, observed idly: “If Bush stays in office as long as Clinton did, I’ll be almost 17 years old before we have someone new.”
It was lucky I had both hands on the steering wheel. My heart began to pound, a foggy sense of doom misted my eyes, and random bits of Milton began to echo in my ears. “Help us to save free conscious from the paw/Of hireling wolves, whose Gospel is their maw,” I muttered.
My son, oblivious, sat in the back seat playing with his calculator. “Only two thousand, eight hundred and twenty days to go, Mom.”
No one on National Public Radio had been grim enough to look that far into the future; I guess they had their hands full trying to sort out the mess of the first three and a half months. But the thought that struck me hardest was: Strom Thurmond will be 106! (For unlike certain foolish prognosticators who would have him with one foot in the grave, I know Faustian fanoodling when I see it. That man is going to live forever.)
I was also thinking about all that Bush has undone in his first hundred days, then trying to multiply it by a factor of twenty-nine and two-tenths. I was envisioning a missile defense shield protecting Texas from attack by Northern liberals. I was seeing corporate lobbyists clinking flutes of champagne in the newly renamed ExxonMobil Bedroom of the White House. And I was imagining oil derricks pumping away on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, brought to you by Beautiful and Profitable America, the First Family’s attempt to one-up Lady Bird Johnson. (“National treasures and effective resource management can coexist,” Laura Bush would say with Jacqueline Kennedyesque breathlessness.)
Within the first hundred days and while media pundits were absorbed with wondering whether Chelsea Clinton had political aspirations, Colin Powell’s son became head of the FCC. William Rehnquist’s daughter was nominated for Inspector General with Health and Human Services. Antonin Scalia’s son was made Solicitor of Labor. Clarence Thomas’s wife was nominated for a top position in the Office of Management and Budget. And Strom Thurmond’s son, only three years out of law school, was handpicked by Strom himself to be South Carolina’s US Attorney.
At this rate, eight years from now Rudolph Giuliani’s son will be our new Decency Czar, Newt Gingrich’s fourth wife will head up the Compassionately Conservative Commission on the Alarming Breakdown of Family in the Inner City and Linda Chavez’s favorite charitable donees will be directing the Spanish-for-the-House-and-Garden Literacy Campaign.