Doomsday bunker, Washington, DC

In his first weeks as president, Donald J. Trump(™) has objectively beaten the disgraced former president Barack Obama. From executive orders to the hotness of the first family, experts [1] maintain that President Trump’s legacy(™) has already outdone that of his predecessor. A cursory look at the masses of people marching in the streets—so happy about the election they can’t hold back tears—shows that so far, it’s Trump 1, Obama -44.

The winning has gotten so bad that a huge number of very important scientists[2] from the science community question whether Barack Obama ever actually was president of the United States—or whether he was some sort of mass hallucination induced by decades of America not winning enough. You won’t see this winning reported in the shamestream media. But we at Newsbroke on AJ+, though currently operating without the benefit of the White House press credentials that some “journalists” take for granted, hold these half-truths to be self-evident: that all facts are created equal, even the “alternative” ones.

The blamestream media, aka the Lying Press(™), would have you believe that America is not winning and that only Donald J. Trump(™), his friends in the fossil-fuel industry, and his immediate family are. But we at Newsbroke, aka the Truthing Press(™), have it on good authority that this is just another piece of Fake News(™) from the flamestream media and liberal Twitter-feedia. White House press secretary and all-around neat guy Sean Spicer has made this clear: “Because Donald Trump considers every American to be family,” he announced, “every American is, in fact, winning.”

And still some so-called journalists are clinging to their lies about Trump’s lack of winning, pointing to his presidential approval ratings, the lowest in recorded history. But their data fail to take into account the tremendous ratings for his 15 seasons on The Apprentice, which, when averaged out, completely and totally beat the recent Arnold Schwarzenegger–hosted season, as well as Schwarzenegger’s approval ratings as governor of California and the Rotten Tomatoes rating for The Expendables 3. Also, True Lies went over budget by $10 million, and Schwarzenegger didn’t do any of his own stunts because he couldn’t lay off the craft-service snack table.[3]

It is this reporter’s belief—as a proud nonmember of the maimstream media—that before any more polling on Donald J. Trump(™)’s performance as president is conducted, we should require a grace period that would allow any residual resentment left over from the alleged Obama administration to dissipate. Not taking that prior disaster into account would be like moving between dinner courses without cleansing one’s palate first: fine when ordering military raids in Yemen, but not for polling.

So why does Trump’s incessant winning come as such a shock to people who claim to live in America? The answer lies in the lies of the liars who run the lying press. Clearly, the winning has gone unreported, which is why I’m taking it upon myself to tell The Truth(™) about what we’ve witnessed so far:

Fact 1: When it comes to security and safety, this president is absolutely destroying the legacy of all other presidents.

Fact 2: No other administration has alerted the American people to more terror. Whether you’re talking Radical Islamic Terrorism(™) or the nightly terror of remembering that Donald J. Trump(™) is the 45th president of the United States, terror is this administration’s middle name.

Fact 3: Also, its middle name is John—apparently, the “J.” stands for John.

Fact 4: It might also stand for Jesus.

And the massacres! So many massacres have gone unreported by the menstruating feminists of the damestream bleedia—the silent majority of which happen on Sundays, the day that George Soros hands out checks to journalists (coincidence?). These massacres include not only Bowling Green in 2013, but Syracuse in 2011, Malibu Beach in 2014, and Red Lobster in 2015, when a radicalized aorta carried out a lone-wolf heart attack. We must also never forget the slayings at the MTV Music Awards in 2016—where so many radicalized black women in Beyoncé’s entourage absolutely slayed. At the time, we members of the press didn’t do our job in reporting these massacres. We were too caught up reporting on Barack Obama’s eight-year apology tour and its epic after-parties.

But that’s all over now. These days, with Donald J. Trump(™) as president, America is, according to The Source[4], winning so hard that it’s hard to remember what losing—or anything else—feels like anymore. And if you, the reader, doubt any of the above, we’d ask if maybe you should be the one to apologize. Because we, as the crooked journalists we’ve decided to become, are so, so, so sorry. (Please, Sean? We promise to be good.)


1. Steve Bannon. Back
2 Steve Bannon. Back
3 Steve Bannon told me. Back
4 The Devil… j/k, Steve Bannon! Back