The Republican Finalists The Republican Finalists
Regarding those still in the race And all the sighs they engender, All small-time pols quote Brando now: “I coulda been a contender.”
Mar 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Contraception (of All Things) Contraception (of All Things)
Republicans are bashing birth control, As candidates far-rightward scurry. The voters haven’t heard such talk in years. We’re going backward in a hurry.
Mar 7, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
I Thought That I Would Never See a Pol Who Loved the Height of Trees I Thought That I Would Never See a Pol Who Loved the Height of Trees
“I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height.” —Mitt Romney, in his home state of Michigan Away from here, I find no trees that please— No trees at such a perfect height as these. For me, I cannot ever be at ease With trees that grow no higher than one’s knees Or too tall trees that splinter in a freeze. Wisconsin, sure, has bragging rights on cheese. And California’s rich in Cantonese. And Colorado’s where to take your skis. Connecticut, of course, has Lyme disease. At none of these am I prepared to sneeze. But here we have the perfect height of trees.
Feb 29, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
We Pick Rick We Pick Rick
(A Santorum campaign song, sung to the tune of “I Like Ike,” by Irving Berlin) We pick Rick. Yes, Rick’s with whom we will stick. He’s the guy All over whom we’re swarming. We pick Rick. Though some imply that he’s thick, He well knows There is no global warming. He’ll say on CNN The sins that we must smother. And he can keep those men From marrying each other. We pick Rick ‘Cause he’ll tell liberals real quick What God says No matter if they’re willing: Abortion’s baby-killing. So we pick Rick.
Feb 15, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Romney Says He’s Not Concerned About the Poor Romney Says He’s Not Concerned About the Poor
“The remark about the poor immediately became catalogued in a growing list of awkward comments by Mr. Romney.” —New York Times His profile’s divine. His shoes have a shine; They’re almost as shined as his hair. And voters ignore That seeking Mitt’s core Has failed because nothing is there. So Mitt’s way ahead. The pundits have said That Newt might be almost kaput. But Mitt still might lose If he puts those shoes Much more in his mouth with his foot.
Feb 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Adelson Adelson
(Sung by Newt Gingrich supporters to the tune of “Edelweiss,” from The Sound of Music) Adelson, Adelson, Your donations do cheer him. We who root For our Newt Smile whenever you shmeer him. Absent your vow That you would endow Newt’s campaign with plenty, Adelson, Adelson, He’d be dead as Pawlenty.
Jan 31, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Two Attempts to Explain the Resurrection of Newt Gingrich Two Attempts to Explain the Resurrection of Newt Gingrich
I. Yes, Newt appeared dead at least twice. If Mitt’s guys were playing it smart, They would have made certain of that By driving a stake through his heart. II. But Newt might have said if they had, Proceed, Mitt. You’ll see I won’t mind it. You’re free to drive stakes through my heart, Except that you’ll first have to find it.
Jan 25, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
An Explanation of Gingrich’s Ad Accusing Romney of Being Able to Speak French An Explanation of Gingrich’s Ad Accusing Romney of Being Able to Speak French
Big Mo is what Gingrich is desperate to stop. He talks of how Romney will flip and will flop. He charges that Romney now goes through contortions To hide being someone who funded abortions And hide that in business wherever he’d roam Some innocent workers would lose hearth and home. There’s no way, Newt says, you can call Mitt a mensch. But what’s even worse is, the man can speak French. Yes, being bilingual is really too much. It shows you’re elitist and way out of touch. Bilingual means speaking one language too many. We’ve voted for leaders who hardly speak any. Republican voters know one thing. It’s this: That ignorance rocks. (It’s sometimes called bliss.) So all Romney-huggers should undo their clench. Mitt Romney’s a menace: the man can speak French.
Jan 18, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Newt Lays Into Mitt Newt Lays Into Mitt
It’s “pious baloney.” Yes, pious baloney. What Mitt speaks, Newt says, is remarkably phony: His outsider citizen pose is all hooey; He’s hungered for office like Thomas E. Dewey. And what he was doing those years spent at Bain Was not create jobs but cause working stiffs pain. While Newt covers Mitt’s smooth exterior with blotches, Obama’s campaign staff just carefully watches.
Jan 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote Automatic Pundit Readjustment After Each Primary Vote
They’ll picture what we can expect, With certainty in their depictions. But first they’ll erase from their minds Their previous certain predictions.
Jan 4, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin