Calling In the Humanizer Man Calling In the Humanizer Man
Analysts say that Romney campaign strategists face the challenge of humanizing their candidate. —News reports They’d like it if this man the folks are seeing Resembled more an actual human being. For that he’d need some warmth and shmaltz and soul; Then he’d appear less plastic and more whole. So in their dreams of triumph they aspire To show that their guy bleeds and may perspire, This can be done at once, without delay: The Humanizer Man is on his way. Yes, any candidate with boardlike stiffness Can be adjusted with surprising swiftness. The Humanizer Man’s done this before. Though he fell short of loosening Al Gore, He’s had a host of triumphs in his day. So if Mitt’s men believe, to their dismay, Their man’s as human as a Charolais. No need to cry “¡Caramba!” or “Oy vey!” For everything is going to be OK. To give him hope you only have to say, “The Humanizer Man is on his way.”
Sep 5, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Medicare to the Forefront Medicare to the Forefront
Polls show that Medicare is now the third most vital issue of the campaign, and Paul Ryan’s plan to change it is unpopular with likely voters. —News reports Yes, any talk of Medicare Is almost guaranteed to scare A lot of voters everywhere. Though Medicare, in truth, has ne’er Been short of signs of wear and tear— Its funding source may need repair— Most folks are fierce in guarding their Entitlements, and they declare That any change would be unfair, Would cheat them out of their fair share. So politicians are aware There’s always risk in going there. They keep their distance from that snare. You cannot win the Croix de Guerre By meddling with Medicare. Your fate’s more likely to compare To agonizing mal de mer, A bad encounter with a bear, A trip to the electric chair. So talk of Medicare is rare, But Ryan’s put it in the air. And some Republicans despair.
Aug 29, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Ayn Rand Ayn Rand
(Sung to the tune of “Blue Moon”) Paul Ryan has said that the writings of Ayn Rand were what inspired him to go into public life. —News reports Ayn Rand Because of you I’m now free. Because of what you have taught, I know it’s all about me. Ayn Rand You taught we should be ambitious, And strive to be avaricious, Since money’s truly delicious. And we shouldn’t share a nickel of this money With citizens who can’t prevail. The government is not the Easter Bunny. The poor are weaklings who deserved to fail. Ayn Rand Before you I was immobile But then you taught me to know That being selfish is noble.
Aug 22, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Mitt Visits Foreign Lands Mitt Visits Foreign Lands
(And not to hide money) The Mittster, while taking a three-nation swing, Showed talent for saying the very wrong thing. He teed off our English friends lickety-split; The tabloids in London town called him a twit. Apparently having no motives ulterior, He seemed to be calling the Arabs inferior. In English and Arabic venom Mitt bathed. ’Twas only in Poland he came out unscathed. His trip, meant to show foreign-policy cred, Because of Mitt’s gaffes was a model instead Of what not to say when abroad one doth roam. So here’s the consensus: he should have stayed home.
Aug 8, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
‘Secundus Defecated Here’: What Ancient Graffiti Means Today ‘Secundus Defecated Here’: What Ancient Graffiti Means Today
If you’re under the false impression that the world is falling into utter moral disrepair, turn your eyes toward Pompeii.
Jul 26, 2012 / Blog / Cord Jefferson
We Hate It ‘Cause It’s His: A Republican Sea Chantey We Hate It ‘Cause It’s His: A Republican Sea Chantey
“[The individual mandate had] been at the heart of Republican health-care reforms for two decades. The mandate made its political début in a 1989 Heritage Foundation brief titled ‘Assuring Affordable Health Care for All Americans,’ as a counterpoint to the single-payer system and the employer mandate, which were favored in Democratic circles…. The mandate made its first legislative appearance in 1993, in the Health Equity and Access Reform Today Act—the Republicans’ alternative to President Clinton’s health- reform bill.” —Ezra Klein, The New Yorker Oh, why do we so loathe this thing? We used to love it so. We used to say, “For health reform This is the way to go.” We said it was free enterprise (And we explained just how). If this was our idea back then, How could we hate it now? We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his. We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. That’s what our hatred is. You needn’t be a whiz, lads, to ace this simple quiz. We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his. If Mitt’s plan was the model here, What caused this great upheaval? If Mitt’s makes sense, then why is this Just socialistic evil? If this approach once seemed so good That all of us were for it, How come it is so wicked now That all of us abhor it? We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his. We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. That’s what our hatred is. You needn’t be a whiz, lads, to ace this simple quiz. We hate it ’cause it’s his, lads. We hate it ’cause it’s his.
Jul 11, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Sheldon Adelson’s Free Speech Sheldon Adelson’s Free Speech
“Casino mogul Sheldon Adelson is on the brink of reaching $71 million in contributions thus far in this election cycle.” —Roll Call Yes, money is speech, so the Court has decreed. While Adelson thinks this is splendid, The rest of us wonder, as cash calls the tune, Is this what the Framers intended?
Jun 27, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Likability Factor The Likability Factor
“The polls agree: President Barack Obama is likable. The question is whether he’s likable enough to get re-elected.” — Politico It’s said, as a rule, the most likable guy Is likely the guy who’ll pull through. And, given the candidates now set to try, The Democrats hope that is true. Though voters, polls show, think Obama is cool And Romney is colder than ice, More likable’s not an infallible tool. Remember: Dick Nixon won twice.
Jun 14, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
Business Experience Business Experience
Last week, Mitt Romney floated an idea at a campaign rally in Las Vegas: the future president should be required to have three years of business experience before serving in office. —The Washington Post Experience in business is vital, said Mitt— Three years at the least, in the plan he unveiled. Though Truman’s accomplishments seem to suggest The business in question would have to have failed.
Jun 6, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin
The Bain of Mitt Romney’s Existence The Bain of Mitt Romney’s Existence
He’s running on all of his triumphs at Bain, But some say the Democrats ought to refrain From saying Bain’s gain was at times inhumane (Because of its strategy aiming to drain A company’s treasure, no matter what pain Is caused to the workers whom it won’t retain). Yes, Bain did some good, its defenders explain: Some pension funds shared in its capital gain. So vulture’s a label for Mitt they disdain— Though buzzard’s OK, and is just as germane.
May 30, 2012 / Column / Calvin Trillin