America's homeland security efforts are like a burlesque of the cold war struggle--randomly throwing money at the problem, periodically issuing dire alerts and indulging expensive versions of old-fashioned silliness. The hapless new Department of Homeland Security is spending many billions, but it is pulled this way and that because it cannot say reliably what should come first or even what the "threat" is. When anxious members of Congress ask when the DHS will complete its "comprehensive threat and vulnerability assessment" and an accompanying priority list of "essential capabilities," the department responds, Not soon, perhaps in five years.

Meantime, officials have prepared for the worst on Sebago Lake, in Maine. Sebago supplies drinking water for Portland--imagine a deadly virus in the hands of bad people--so the Inland Fisheries and Wildlife Department spent some DHS money from Washington to buy a new patrol boat. The game wardens keep an eye out for suspicious characters while they also monitor the fish. Craighead County in northeastern Arkansas spent $600,000 on hazmat suits and other antiterror paraphernalia. "We've got 60,000 people here, a university and two hospitals, and a lot of folks coming and going," the county's emergency coordinator explained. "We've got some good targets."

Americans are urged by their government to mobilize themselves family by family (go to www.ready.gov for instructions). Create a "shelter-in-place" with duct tape and plastic sheeting and stock an emergency kit--reminiscent of the 1950s-era backyard fallout shelters. Make a family-readiness plan, just in case. If bioterrorism occurs, turn off the air conditioning. If you are ordered to evacuate, "take your pets with you, but understand that only service animals may be permitted in public shelters." If the highway is being bombed, "pull over, stop the car and set the parking brake." Aside from these scary thoughts, the government advises, "Don't be afraid...Be Ready."

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