Memo From Mars

Dear Beeblebrox,
   Am having a little trouble with my update for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's the noisy green planet again. Can't make head nor tails of it. I seek advice about how to interpret the data. First of all, our status as tourists has changed. Remember how they used to send scouts out into the desert to greet us when we landed? Time was when they'd roll out the red carpet and treat us as gods. Then there was the amusing little period when they tracked us with laser guns and tin foil suits for fear of space invaders. Well, these days you can't get a decent mention in the tabloids, they're all so busy chasing one another--perhaps it's something in the water, but the Earthlings have all become aliens to each other.

This doesn't mean it's any easier for us to blend in. As you recommended, I tied a cloth round my head this time, so as to cover the points of my ears--who can forget what a riot they caused last time! But in a recent eon, they evolved. Now pointy ears and heads are commonplace. Instead, it was the head cloth itself that caused the riot. They seemed to think my scarf was alive and that it was preaching religion and chatting them up about politics. I don't understand entirely, but my guess is that head coverings are kind of like the team flags we had such trouble understanding a few years ago. We really must do a closer study of the Hidden Language of Textiles.

I also donned what used to be the median recommended body covering, but there is no median anymore. On one side of the planet they cover most every part of themselves before entering the public space. On the other side of the planet they take most everything off. And in the land of France they are proposing to measure beards to make sure they're not too long--long beards confuse their gods. In the mountain strongholds of the Taliban they measure to insure they're not too short--short beards attract demons.

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