Deadline Poet

Calvin Trillin

On the White House Dress Code (Politics)

The President's demanding proper dress--
A tie, a coat, a shine on shoes or boots.
Some citizens may find this a relief:
We've now returned to government by suits.

Calvin Trillin

A Scholarly Analysis of Dick Cheney's Role in the George W. Bush Administration (Political Figures)

Though Bush the Elder was convinced
His boy was now a man, he
Decided, just to hedge his bet,
To furnish him a nanny.

Attentive parents always have
A way of keeping track.
If nanny isn't feeling well,
Will Dad come hurrying back?

Calvin Trillin

A Democratic Lullaby to Bill Clinton (Politics)

As Bush finds backs to pat and hands to
shake,
The Democrats can't seem to buy a break.
The
opposition doesn't coalesce,
Because the spotlight's on the
Clinton mess,
A mess that's just like catnip to the
press.
Afraid that he will never go away,
The Democrats by
now just want to say,

Avoid the headlines, can't
you, Bill?
Speak softly, please, not louder.
Eschew the
networks, can't you, Bill?
Enough, man! Take a
powder!

Ignored as long as he is on the
stage,
The Democrats, befuddled, try to gauge
How he, amidst
the sleaze, seems so unfazed
While they are crazed, and find
themselve amazed
At all the oxygen the man
inhales,
As he on his sword himself
impales.

Avoid the headlines, can't you,
Bill?
They say. At any cost!
Eschew the networks, can't you,
Bill?
Could you please just get lost?

Calvin Trillin

A Short Course on Getting a Presidential Pardon While a Fugitive From Justice (Politics)

Apply a little grease
(Denise).
Then buy yourself an in
(Jack Quinn).

Calvin Trillin

One Bush Scenario (George W. Bush, Taxes)

With Democrats he must entice, he
Has proven good at making nicey.
So now, if everyone relaxes,
He'll sharply cut all rich folks' taxes
And help the oil biz and tobacco
And nominate some right-wing wacko
As Justice--qualified, he'll promise,
Like Daddy did with Clarence Thomas.
The Democrats will fold in batches,
And light cigars with White House matches.

Calvin Trillin

Lessons Drawn From the Marc Rich Pardon (Gap Between Wealth and Poverty)

As proven by this pardon,
Two facts of life prevail:

The rich have got the money

And everything's for sale.

Calvin Trillin

Adieu (Sort of) to Bill Clinton (Bill Clinton)

We'd say goodbye to Clinton, Bill,
Who always was a rascal, still
Accomplished much, before he tripped
(He couldn't keep his trousers zipped)
And after, too. His gifts were great.
A farewell toast we'd contemplate,
Except for now we can't believe
That Bill is really going to leave.

Calvin Trillin

The Only King We Have Is Jesus (Religion, Political Figures, Society)

(A newly unearthed gospel song credited to John Ashcroft)

As I told the Bob Jones students,
Seated white and black apart,
This nation is unique, not like the rest.
As I faced those godly youngsters,
I told them from the heart
Just why this land will always be the best:

The only king we have is Jesus.
And I feel blessed to bring that news.
The only king we have is Jesus.
I can't explain why we've got Jews.

So because our king is Jesus,
I'm often heard to say,
Our kids should pray to Him each day in class.
If some kids just stay silent,
That's perfectly OK.
But they'll all be given Jesus tests to pass.

The only king we have is Jesus.
That's the truth we all perceive.
The only king we have is Jesus
So Hindus may just have to leave.

Now Jesus hates abortion,
'Cause Jesus loves all life.
They call it choice; it's murder all the same.
The killers must be punished--
The doctor, man and wife.
We'll execute them all in Jesus' name.

The only king we have is Jesus.
It's Jesus who can keep us pure.
The only king we have is Jesus.
And He's Republican for sure.

The homosexual lifestyle
Could make our Jesus weep.
He loathed their jokes about which cheek to turn.
Yes, Jesus came to teach us
With whom we're supposed to sleep.
Ignore that and you'll go to Hell to burn.

(Final chorus sung in tongues:)
Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok
Frak fag narst fag madoondah greeb.
Tron smleck gha dreednus hoke b'loofnok
Dar popish, flarge dyur darky, hebe.

Calvin Trillin