Bailout Satire

Add your own toxic holdings to the big shitpile here.

I almost missed this email because it was diverted to my spam folder. But apparently Paulson is sending this around:

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

(UPDATE: I didn't write this. It was sent to me by a friend and is making the rounds)

Comments (34)

1. mr. hayes,

   before i read your article,

   i would just like to compliment you on the fine job you are doing,

   and FOR LETTING US CHIME IN with our ever so fitting observations.

   peace be upon you,

   fz.

   Posted by frosty zoom at 09/22/2008 @ 4:04pm

2. I just got an email from a 437lskf@adkwlf.com (From line "Sarah P" )with a Subject Line telling me she can make my penis larger...

   (if I'm a Far Right-winger desperate for some indication that the Reagan Revolution is over.)

   ....I chose not not answer it.

   Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 4:10pm

3. Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 4:10pm

   You should write back asking them who they talked to and where they got the information that you might need it. Is the NSA bugging your house?

   Posted by Cccomfo1 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:16pm

4. Posted by Cccomfo1 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:16pm

   Obvious typo in that "desperate for some indication that the Reagan Revolution is NOT over"...which it is. Dubya helped kill it.

   Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 4:18pm

5. no penis jokes!!!!!

   Posted by dexter666 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:31pm

6. "there are some people who need to get their butts kicked...and they're going to feel it in the butt."

   michael chertoff, homeland security secretary, commenting on what was holding up relief efforts in texas...

   never thought i would be able to quote a cabinet level presidential appointee as saying "feel it in the butt" in any official capacity...butt...

   Posted by dexter666 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:35pm

7. HOW ABOUT THIS:

   Why can't those commie liberals let the free market do its job. It's not our fault that they can't cut it in a laize faire meritocrcay.

   The free market rewards all of those who deserve it and punishes the lazy do- nothing socialists.

   Yikes...I just lost all of my retirement savings in the stock market because Wall Street has collapsed! Somebody please bail me out, and I promise not to call you a liberal-shithead-socialist anymore.

   -LVL

   Posted by Metteyya at 09/22/2008 @ 4:43pm

8. no penis jokes!!!!!

   Posted by dexter666 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:31pm

   The U.S. won the Ryder Cup this weekend.

   MVP was Boo Weekly.

   Posted by Benchrest at 09/22/2008 @ 4:47pm

9. Posted by Benchrest at 09/22/2008 @ 4:47pm | ignore this person | warn this person

   don't fergit old nascar perennial also ran and team player...

   dick trickle

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_trickle

   dick trickle...

   dick trickle...

   dick trickle...

   Posted by dexter666 at 09/22/2008 @ 4:52pm

10. if sarah palin were a democrat:

    http://images.salon.com/comics/knig/2008/09/17/knig/story.gif

    Posted by frosty zoom at 09/22/2008 @ 4:57pm

11. eureka!

    this whole she-bang (heheh) is just

    a distraction

    in order to

    distract

    from the

    palin distraction!

    Posted by frosty zoom at 09/22/2008 @ 4:58pm

12. "Palin to Meet World Leaders, Bono"

    September 22, 2008 9:02 AM

    THE BIG TIME!

    Posted by frosty zoom at 09/22/2008 @ 5:02pm

13. In all seriousness, I heard this one has a nasty virus if you click on the link.Posted by Darin_the_Troll at 09/22/2008 @ 4:58pm

    I clicked on the link. Nothing happened in a viral way. Except that "Sparky" did get a bit wider and thicker. Maybe that says something about my subconcious need to Screw Republicans.

    Posted by chaoszen at 09/22/2008 @ 5:22pm

14. Pretty funny if this crap wasn't so GD outrageous. These characters should all be rounded up and deported to Nigeria.

    Anyone who thinks that this "crisis" wasn't planned to be rammed down our throats right before the election is naive. Reminds me very much of selling the war the Iraq. Dems get blame Repubs and Repubs get to blame Dems - good cop bad cop.....we lose.

    Posted by OneVote at 09/22/2008 @ 5:49pm

15. The fundamentals of Sec Paulson's plan are sound.

    Posted by crabwalk at 09/22/2008 @ 5:54pm

16. "In 2007, Wall Street's five biggest firms-- Bear Stearns, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and Morgan Stanley - paid a record $39 billion in bonuses to themselves." ABC's Political Punch -- I say no Bail Out! AND Sen. John McCain's campaign manager, Rick Davis, was paid more than $30,000 a month for five years as president of an advocacy group set up by the mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to defend them against stricter regulations! http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/22/us/politics/22mccain.html?ref=politics

    More McCain Hypocrisy! - And for those who think we will not have another Bush/Cheney Whitehouse if McCain gets elected, please be advised that McCain has 10 former Bush strategists and operatives working and advising him now. They are: Steve Schmitt, Tucker Eskew, Tracey Schmitt, Nicole Wallace, Mark Wallace, Stephen E. Biegun, W. Taylor Griffin, Matthew Scully, Greg Jenkins and Matt McDonald, which spells McCain-Bush all over again!

    McCain who has been Chairman of the Commerce Committee for years says he knows very little about the economy, the one truth he has been honest about, because it has always been about Corporations first, only and last! It is our turn now and no more corporate bail outs who are in fear of losing their luxurious way of life on the back of the American people.

    Posted by Angellight at 09/22/2008 @ 5:59pm

17. Too bad the Warriors of Wall Street don't practice Bushido

    Posted by crabwalk at 09/22/2008 @ 6:00pm

18. Posted by crabwalk at 09/22/2008 @ 6:00pm | ignore this person | warn this person

    bullshito! martial arts of WS!!!

    Posted by dexter666 at 09/22/2008 @ 6:06pm

19. The sad thing I see here are references to the "free market". and "capitalism".

    Both of those concepts have been gamed for nearly a century through government intervention.

    Yes, that very same government so many are looking toward to "save" us from the current "crisis".

    This isn't an economic crisis. It is a crisis of spirituality. And the beginning of the end of our individual liberty.

    Posted by freiheit1 at 09/22/2008 @ 6:10pm

20. That was funny, but here are the pieces to a serious puzzle!

    It all has to do with the Glass-Stegle act that became law in 1933 under the reign of FDR.

    The purpose of the act was to prevent investment companies from becoming banking institutions. Along with this act the FDIC was instituted. I hate to say this, but all went well until Bill Clinton's last term in 1999. Phil Gramm and a couple of other

    Republicans pressured Clinton into repealing the Glass-Stegle act and passed the Gramm-Leach-Biely act. This allowed the investment companies to become banking institutions with hardly any oversight. Without any controls over the banking institutions, they could slice and dice loans and investments and make instruments such as mortgage backed securities, derivatives, and all the other kinds of creative packages that remove the risk from the loaning companies. Phil Gramm is the same guy who said that we are nation of whiners and then resigned from John McCain's campaign.

    Although he is still his econmonic advisor. The other part of the puzzle is the lack of enforcement on the Up-tick law that says a stock can not be shorted without the previous sale being an Up-Tick. This prevents the sellers from drive the market down into what is called a Bear Raid.

    I just wanted to share my new found information with you people.

    Posted by Pisano70 at 09/22/2008 @ 6:12pm

21. Wait until the Chinese decide that the US is overextended and tell Paulson to go fuck himself. The next available emergency funds will come out of Social Security! You watch!

    Posted by jackwells at 09/22/2008 @ 6:15pm

22. Posted by freiheit1 at 09/22/2008 @ 6:10pm

    Repubs hide behind "free-market" rhetoric, but when the money is on the line, they are shown to be just greedy bastards that want to take as much wealth as possible BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

    Posted by Metteyya at 09/22/2008 @ 6:39pm

23. Posted by lvliberty1 at 09/22/2008 @ 7:21pm

    So, LL, ready to call Dubya a "socialist"?

    Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 8:17pm

24. While this 1 trillion dollar bailout is being rammed down my throught, my asshole is getting sore. Damn, now I know what it feels like to be raped.

    Good thing im not in Wasilla where they charge you a $1000 for the rape kit..

    Posted by chaoszen at 09/22/2008 @ 9:03pm

25. Why are we debatin the decisions of a bunch of morons? Wallsteet doesn't even like this as evidenced by the nearly 400 point drop in the DOW today. Let alone Main Street, who have been looking for spare change in the sofa.

    Posted by chaoszen at 09/22/2008 @ 9:11pm

26. Posted by chaoszen at 09/22/2008 @ 9:03pm

    The crystal meth is cheap!

    Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 9:48pm

27. BTW...

    "This isn't an economic crisis. It is a crisis of spirituality. And the beginning of the end of our individual liberty."-----Posted by freiheit1 at 09/22/2008 @ 6:10pm

    Is that anything like a ...

    "mental recession"???

    Posted by Maskdelta at 09/22/2008 @ 10:46pm

28. Democrats steal through taxation, i.e. Fannie and Freddie. Republicans through the stock market, Enron and MCI.

    Repubs give you a choice to invest or not.

    Democrats give you no choice in taxation.

    Posted by apoorspic at 09/22/2008 @ 10:49pm

29. The principals of the companies seeking a bailout want a reverse auction to sell off the bad debt; instead of buyers bidding on valuable objects with money, AIG et al... will bid on taxpayer money with shit.

    Coming soon...Reverse schools, reverse hospitals, reverse bridges etc....

    Posted by koroviev at 09/23/2008 @ 01:27am

30. The fundamentals of Sec Paulson's plan are sound. Posted by crabwalk at 09/22/2008 @ 5:54pm |

    They're better than sound, they're fantastic!

    If you're an i-banker buddy of Paulson's, a crony of CheneyBush, an owner of a mountain of worthless paper that you're about to sell for millions & millions to millions & millions of suckers.

    Talk about fundamentals? This is FUN.

    Posted by sloper at 09/23/2008 @ 03:13am

31. Democrats steal through taxation, i.e. Fannie and Freddie. Republicans through the stock market, Enron and MCI.

    Repubs give you a choice to invest or not.

    Democrats give you no choice in taxation.

    Posted by apoorspic at 09/22/2008 @ 10:49pm

    since when do we have a choice on whether or not to bail these companies out when the companies "that people can invest in" make stupid investments? it's tantamount to extortion, do it or we kill your economy.

    Posted by palehorse67 at 09/23/2008 @ 3:05pm

32. I wish it were funny...

    It makes me quite literally sick every time I think about the whole situation.

    Posted by madlib at 09/22/2008 @ 7:13pm | ignore this person | warn this person

    You've got alot of company Madlib. The assholes trying to ram this down our throats have millions and billions salted away, and to them, its just more of their game of corrupt and unethical business practices which glorifies money as the measure of a man, and idolizes the notion that you can never have enough of it. Those of us not in the corporate and political elite have to worry about our near term future, and the future of our children and their grandchildren, which these bastards have stolen. Their attempts to arbitrage our future and this Country is treasonous.

    Posted by OneVote at 09/23/2008 @ 3:49pm

33. I tried to forward this message to my mom at the University of Illinos. The University Computers have rejected this letter as phishing / spam. You know we're in trouble when the presidents proposals can be recognized and rejected as phishing / spam !!

    Posted by systemBuilder at 09/23/2008 @ 4:21pm

34. How about a Sunday sermon for Wallstreet. We are gathered today, to honor the lord Jesus Christ. Those on Wallstreet gave their lives, hard work and everything so that they might serve you. It is time to reflect and pay these humble servants back.

    Jesus told his followers to give away everything they had and to follow him. That is what we are here to do today. We ask all of our followers to write out checks for the entire personal savings and also for whatever equity they may have in their homes, retirement accounts and so on. Don't forget about that money you have stashed for your children's school either...the Lord will provide for you (ha ha ha).

    Now, take only the shirt that is on your backs (please keep your pants on) and spread the good news we have given you to your neighbors. If a democrat tells you no, that you are are out of your mind, shake the dust of his home and move on pilgrim. You will be like sheep surrounded by wolves, so be as innocent as a dove, but as wise as a serpent...also, remember to tune into Rush on the AM dial at conservative talk show time for more guidance. Peace be with you and remmeber that God is always watching, so don't try to even hide one cent from the wall street brethren, they will find out!!

    Posted by Wolfgang1 at 09/23/2008 @ 4:31pm