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What Would a Liberal Glenn Beck Do? | The Nation

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The Notion

Unfiltered takes on politics, ideas and culture from Nation editors and contributors.

What Would a Liberal Glenn Beck Do?

If I were Glenn Beck, right about now I’d be chalking in the lines linking these recent, startling events:

--The Wisconsin governor tries to strip public employees of their collective bargaining rights. Ohio, Tennessee, other states follow suit.

--The New Jersey governor cuts police forces, school budgets, much more; saves special animus for teachers, even tells students Ms. Frizzle hates their guts.

--A pro-business Missouri state senator wants to repeal the ban on child labor, calls it “archaic.”

On the surface it looks like these politicians, Republicans all, are simply trying to demolish workers’, women’s, and whippersnappers’ rights. That’s what they want you to think. But—and this may shock you: Are they actually saying that we don’t need New Jersey teachers or Wisconsin nurses because they can be replaced by Missouri children—and at little or no salary?

I admit, I found that hard to believe myself. But then I saw this headline:

Huckabee Compares Abortion To Slavery.” That’s when I got it: they believe that abortion is slavery, but child slavery is not!   

Now, all their job-killing, union-busting budget bills make sense, a terrible, terrible sense: With the majority of American adults unemployed and uninsured, and with every able-bodied child under 14 working at slave wages, Social Security and tax revenues will plummet, more safety-net spending will “have to be” cut, and the right will have finally accomplished its decades-long dream of starving the beast and destroying the Nanny State. Nannies, of course, will also be out of work, as their former wards will be sweeping streets or, for those deputized as the new sheriffs in town, rounding up women seeking abortions.

I know, this sounds crazy. Yeah, whoo-hubba-hubba-boing, all us craaaazzzy liberals, seeing anti-worker, anti-woman conspiracies behind every anti-worker, anti-woman attack. The lamestream media can call me crazy all they want, but they cannot make the truth shut-up!

OK, I’m running out of chalk connecting these dots, so I’ll say this plainly: The Koch brothers and the underage public-employee sector are orchestrating the coming insurrection together. You’d think they’d be the last two groups to be in cahoots, I know. But the Koch’s have lured the kids with a plan code-named “4 billion acres and not a school.” The idea is to establish nothing less than a Cali(fornia)-fate across America.

This map tells you everything you need to know about the future:

Texas will control South Dakota, the southern half of Montana, part of Nevada, Oregon, maybe Alaska and God only knows what else. And Georgia—see the big star there?—will control Iowa, all of the former upper Midwestern progressive bloc, plus maybe New Jersey, Florida and any other state that refuses federal money for high-speed rail. I'm not really sure.

I realize this sounds preposterous. But preposterous happens. (Four words: George Bush, Sarah Palin.) So I urge you: be aware of signal events, like a Mississippi governor running for president who won’t denounce license plates honoring the founder of the Ku Klux Klan. And take precautions: store seeds, and convert the monies you receive from your old Nanny State breast-pump tax deductions into the new South Carolina currency. Why? you ask.

Because—and I hate to tell you this—the South will rise again, but this time as far north as Wisconsin.

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