Web Letters: Can This Marriage Be Saved?

I agree that we shouldn't treat marriage as if it's something people don't have a choice over and acknowledge that people can and do choose divorce when things are not working. But I don't think we need to go to the other extreme of simply giving up. Women are the ones who initiate most divorces, which means the key to keeping marriages intact is keeping wives happy. After all, if we have the choice to leave and you want to reduce the number of divorces, then you need to use the carrot approach, not the stick. Make marriage more appealing to women by teaching men how to be better husbands. Now, of course there will be men saying I'm being unfair, because shouldn't women be asking how to be better wives? But to that I say, it's women who are leaving and you can't force them to stay, so you have to bribe us. That's just how it is. If it were men who were less interested in marriage than women, then my advice would be reversed--but that's not the reality.

Lynne H. Schultz

Overland Park, KS

Funny, didn't Katha Pollitt advocate the abolition of marriage ten years ago? I'm glad to see that in this most recent column she's backed off her insinuation that socialism is just a scheme to help men shirk their paternal duty. Still, defending divorce is a long way from the more sensible idea of marriage abolition. What gives? Well, two things. First, Pollitt got married. And she never really meant "away with that horrid institution of marriage"; she just wanted to bash the ACLU for advocating legal polygamy. Second, Caitlin Flanagan pissed her off by pointing out that career women (not women with jobs, women with careers) ape the bourgeoisie in every respect, even down to employing immigrant women without paying Social Security taxes on them. Payback is the proverbial bitch here, and what was sound in the past becomes forgotten in the rush to gratify an animus.

To0 bad. Pollitt makes a couple of good points. Divorce is better than bad marriages, and it probably isn't the reason Bill Clinton is a snake and Barack Obama a milquetoast. But Nation readers deserve more than having the obvious pointed out in pursuit of ax-grinding against a mediocrity like Caitlin Flanagan.

Douglas Presler

Minneapolis, MN

As a therapist, I sometimes wonder if the divorce rate is too low. I've seen so many people scarred by being brought up in bad marriages. Interestingly, the worst damage seems to be done by marriages where the surface is calm and polite. Hidden hatred and empty marriages are profoundly corrosive.

Richard Mulliken

Harpersfield, NY