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Sarah, Will UB My BFF? | The Nation

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Sarah, Will UB My BFF?

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Hey S! How R U? U R So Gr8!

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Annabelle Gurwitch
Writer and actress Annabelle Gurwitch currently prognosticates on both politics and pop culture on National Public...

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As Sarah Palin goes back to Alaska, take a moment to appreciate some other Sarahs.

Incessant cries for help--and money--from people running campaigns are destroying my peace of mind.

U R so right: When you wear that beehive and the schoolmarm glasses, people really take you seriously! You go, girl!

How come those angry liberals don't get it? We like to elect a dude we want to have a beer with, and a gal we'd like to carpool with! So relatable.

So how's the home mortgage? Losing your house would play really well--just kidding! But, no really, if you and the Toddster took out too big of a home equity loan, maybe we can run with it!!

Speaking of houses, don't ya love what Bush said about those angry liberals--why don't they get it? When McCain can't remember how many houses he has--my answer is, I want to have so many houses I can't remember, too!

And yuck, at their convention, those dumb Democrats kept showing T-shirted sweaty Americans in their audience (44 percent of the Dem delegates were minorities). But we've got skinny blondes and men in nice suits (the St. Paul crowd was 1.4 percent African-American and 5 percent Hispanic). We look rich. They looked like they need jobs. Our party is not about the economy. It's the aspiration, stupid!

Arianna Huffandpuff told Larry King that you're just a distraction like American Idol. Duh, doesn't she know more people have voted on American Idol than in the last election?

Seriously, lady, my heart goes out to you about Bristol. And how about that Campbell Brown, who dissed you by asking a campaign aide to name one decision you made with Alaska National Guard? Hasn't she heard the phrase "shotgun wedding"?

Helloooo, I'm sure its no accident that Levi flew in for the party in St. Paul. And just knowing that pretty soon you may be one heartbeat away from the White House--I wish I could hold that over my kid's head--that's some tough parental love! Anyhoo, when you start campaigning, why not run a baby-naming contest in each town you visit: Twig? Cord? Cork? Rig? We could have so much fun. Wait--why not just get pregnant again? Drill, baby, drill--maybe that's what the convention crowd meant!

Sarah, I shed a tear when you said we'd have an advocate in the White House. I have a special needs child, too. So your party voted to cut benefits for the S-Chip medical insurance for kids--but that's boring policy talk. Just change the subject! It's about "character and moral stance." Caring for our kids is a task from God--like the war, right? Of course, I read someone at your church said that Israelis might deserve terrorist attacks as punishment for not believing in God, and I'm Jewish... so maybe it's my fault that my kid has problems. But, hey, good news, you can always ask for forgiveness at Yom Kippur falls before the election, so good timing! Maybe Joey Lieb will give you a ride.

Just a coupla thoughts for the future: Yes, you gave out a shout-out to Hillary, but it's time push past those traveling pantsuited broads. Stick to the skirts, SP. You've got legs, lady, and you know how to use them.

I keep hearing this phrase: "I take full responsibility." As the candidate of family values, this should be your mantra. Whenever they ask Big Mac about why he was dating Cindy while still married to his first wife, he just says he takes full responsibility. It's a conversation stopper!

You keep going, sister. No one needs to know how smart you really are. We all know that the only way a middle-class family can afford to raise five children in America today is by having a government job that comes with a great healthcare plan.

P.S. I hear the VP gets great benefits, but President gets even better ones... hmm....who's in charge of John's sunscreen supply anyway...

LOL, Annabelle

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