Last week, while hooked to an IV of air-conditioning, web surfing and TV news, I came to a startling conclusion. Mel Gibson is in league with Hezbollah, and the future of Mideast peace hinges upon the total eradication of his cinematic oeuvre. He must never be allowed to eat lunch at Spago again.
Before you tune me out, let me explain. It all started on a dark Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) when Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputy James Mee (yes, a Jew) pulled Gibson over for speeding. From the very first moment that TMZ.com broke the story, I knew we were onto something far more momentous than just another of Mel’s nights of ladies, liquor and Jew-bashing. According to the deep throats at TMZ, higher-ups at the LAPD feared that public disclosure of Gibson’s comments would incite a lot of “Jewish hatred” and ordered the police report “doctored” and “sanitized” because the current situation in Israel was “way too inflammatory.” Caution or cover-up?
Exposed to the bright lights of Hollywood, Mel’s remarks were roundly condemned by Tinsel Town elite. But it was Ari Emanuel, talent agent, brother of Congressman Rahm Emanuel and inspiration for HBO’s Entourage, who first connected Gibson’s words with the week’s second most important story, the conflict in Lebanon. In an article for Huffington Post, “The Bottom Line on Mel Gibson’s Anti-Semitic Remarks,” Emanuel wrote “at a time of escalating tensions in the world, the entertainment industry cannot idly stand by and allow Mel Gibson to get away with such tragically inflammatory statements.” He was echoed by Hollywood big-wigs like Sony Pictures Chairwoman Amy Pascal who said, “It’s incredibly disappointing that somebody of his stature would speak out that way, especially at this sensitive time.” But Emanuel and Pascal only scratched the surface of Mel’s diabolical plot. What would happen in Lebanon if Hollywood allowed Gibson to get away with his “tragically inflammatory statements”? Enquiring minds want to know.
Luckily, HuffPo’s Queen Arianna uncovered the connections. Declaring the “Gibson affair” Hollywood’s “defining moment,” she concluded that Mel Gibson and Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah are “psychological soul mates.” “Gibson’s no-longer-deniable brand of bigotry,” she wrote “continues to fuel much of the strife and suffering in the world today.” Huffington seems to think that world peace is just one Netflix boycott of Braveheart away. “In the same way that ordinary Muslims need to separate themselves from the blood-drenched ideology of Hezbollah, Hollywood needs to separate itself from the odious racism of Gibson.” You hear that residents of Qana? Tired of Israeli bombs and Hezbollah terrorist tactics, just change the channel.