‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The Special Forces team was inserted
As quiet as a mouse.
If you want to “wow” the kids this Yuletide, here are some “Hot as Depleted Uranium Toys for a New Imperial Age” that will make their eyes gleam.
What would the holidays be without little muscularized molded-plastic dolls holding big guns in a kung-fu battle grip? Now, thanks to Blue Box International, your child can pilot Air Force One into Baghdad with Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush, the greatest American hero, dolled up in naval aviator regalia–a fully posable 12″ action figure in “g-pants.” For only an extra $29.95 (plus shipping and handling) your child can feed the troops a turkey dinner using the George W. Bush Talking Action Figure, the aviator’s civilian counterpart, clad in the more traditional Republican dark suit and red power tie. He spouts 17 phrases, including the apropos Bushism “working hard to put food on your family.” And that’s only the beginning!
Just imagine your son holding his own news conference with the Donald Rumsfeld Talking Action Figure ($29.99 plus shipping and handling). Press his button and catch 28 different phrases, including the classic: “I believe what I said yesterday. I don’t know what I said. But I know what I think. I assume that’s what I said.”
Little Heroes need Villains, of course. For a modest $39.95 get ’em the Talking DOA Uday, a dual-headed action figure of Saddam Hussein’s son that speaks the words, in a genuine faux-Middle Eastern accent, “Someone must help me. I…I am still alive, only I am very badly burned.”
Or how about Babbling Osama the Dirty Terrorist? “Get your very own talking terrorist…. Listen to him babble his terrorist nonsense,” says manufacturer Hero Builders, which also cautions, “Don’t be fooled by other cheap imitations not made by Americans.”
Sacre bleu! Direct from Gay Paree, here comes Talking Le Worm, an action figure that bears a striking (but surely coincidental) resemblance to Jacques Chirac. A perfect gift for every child who holds a grudge against America’s true enemy: France! Tell the French exactly what you think of them for just $35.95!
Parents of the older child should forsake sheer jingoistic fun for something more educational. In recent years, the Defense Department has been hard at work with Silicon Valley’s videogame makers and Hollywood’s special-effects wizards on games guaranteed to improve your child’s hand-eye coordination and urban combat skills. A few possibilities:
America’s Army–revamped, heavy on military training, with genuine combat scenarios in absolutely foreign settings–Mogadishu! Mombasa! Kandahar! And best of all, the US Army offers it online for free.
Full-Spectrum Warrior: The season’s top Microsoft videogame, based on an Army combat simulator created by the Institute for Creative Technologies (a $45 million joint Army/University of Southern California venture). Full-spectrum military training and full-throttle entertainment!
Read the book, play the game, destroy the world! Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six 3: Raven Shield–The #1 videogame choice of Dr. Beth Redden, chief of the Army Research Lab’s Human Research Engineering Directorate field element, for testing soldiers’ “collaborative situational awareness.”
Is your child a cable news addict? Stuck on fair ‘n’ balanced Fox instead of doing her homework? Kuma War saves the day, merging “introductions” from cable-news-style anchors, real combat footage and the ability to re-enact her favorite military missions of the recent past–like the assassination of Saddam Hussein’s sons! A game truly in the spirit of the season!
Can’t afford a Hummer? Why not put a piece of “desert stealth mobility” under the Christmas tree instead? Try The Paratrooper, a–count ’em–24-speed mountain bike developed by Montague Corporation in conjunction with the famous Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). This bike is sure to be a hit with your little arm-chair commando.