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The Gospel of Scooter | The Nation

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The Gospel of Scooter

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Recently stories appeared in the press about a new Gnostic codex, "The Gospel of Judas." This document alleges that Judas, despised as the betrayer of Jesus, had actually been acting on Christ's orders in accordance with God's plan. That same day the press was also full of stories that former vice-presidential aide Lewis (Scooter) Libby, who is accused by Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald of lying to federal prosecutors about his role in the leaking of a CIA National Intelligence Estimate that President Bush had declassified. That night, digesting these sensational stories, I had a troubling dream that still another codex had been discovered in the Capitol Crypt in Washington. The tattered pages appeared in my dream somehow translated from the original Coptic:

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Richard Lingeman
Richard Lingeman is a senior editor of The Nation. His books include Small Town America: A Narrative History, 1620-...

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Here are the true revelations about Lewis Called Scooter, whom Pontius Patrick has charged with betraying the secret name of the Plame Woman, causing shame and obloquy to be heaped on the head of Lewis Called Scooter, a good and faithful servant of Our Lord George and Vice Lord Dick.

Now, the Plame Woman had sent her husband, Joseph, to the Land of Niger in search of the Secret of the Yellow Cake. When Joseph returned, he told the Plame Woman he had learned that Our Lord was a liar and she said to him: "Joseph, you have done well. Now go forth and broadcast these lies the world." And Joseph did this in an op-ed for the Jerusalem End Times, where he charged that the Mesopotamian Saddamites had not sought the Yellow Cake as Our Lord had alleged.

Now, when this was learned by Our Lord George, he was sorely distressed. For had he not proclaimed in the run-up to the great Mesopotamian War the True Gospel of Nucular Weapons? Had he not prophesied that great blackness and flames would appear in the sky and mass destruction descend on the land unless American Legionnaires conquered Mesopotamia and the Saddamites?

Our Lord summoned Vice Lord Dick to the Whited Temple and complained that he was being branded a liar. Vice Lord Dick spoke to him as follows: "Lord, we are treading in camel dung with an election coming up. My advice is impeach the Plame Woman by revealing that she is a member of the CIA band of traitors." To this plan Our Lord George assented.

And so the Vice Lord summoned unto him his loyal servant Lewis and told him the Lord's plan. And Lewis the Scooter went forth and whispered the tale into the ear of the scribe Judith Iscariot, who told it to her editors at the Jerusalem End Times.

And so after months had passed Pontius Patrick accused Lewis Called Scooter of leaking the secret name of the Plame Woman to the scribes. "I must save my good and loyal Lewis," cried Vice Lord Cheney, and he waited upon Our Lord George, who consulted with his Chief of Scribe Relations, Scott the Pharisee.

And so on the eve of the Easter weekend Scott the Pharisee summoned the Scribes to the Whited Temple and told them to cease their calumny. For he could now reveal that our Lord George had in his infinite wisdom given his official blessing to his faithful Servant Lewis imparting the mystery of the Yellow Cake and the Plame Woman to favored scribes. "Verily," Scott said, "you're crucifying the wrong man."

The Scribes cried: "Our Lord George is a hypocrite!" And they cried: "Spin not, Scott, or you will reap the next hurricane."

And so Lewis the Scooter was a hero of the realm and Pontius Patrick could wash his hands of the entire case. All thanks to Our Lord George.... [At this point the Codex breaks off.]

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